Is it to much to ask to be left alone at 1:00 in the friggen morning!!! I didn't think so, but apparently it is...

Also, is it to much to ask to be believed...to not be called or considered a liar...or the family slut and whore...I was a freaken child and I didn't ask for the shit...so get over your self righteousness and just accept that all people have their skeletons in the closet and maybe my family has a few to many...

I am so tired of being looked down on...so tired of being blammed...so tired of being...take it as whatever it sounds like...

It is 1:20 in the morning now...I can't sleep. My SweetPea went to work early tonight and I was suppose to go to sleep...but...what the hell is that...sleep...gee...wish I knew...my head says fuck sleep...it stays awake and tortures me with thoughts that I don't want to think...feelings I don't want to have...and I try to face each morning with a smile...I try to have a positive outlook...and more and more I just am not making that happen...it is like this ticking time bomb within me and the more it ticks the less I can pull off the "good girl" bit...I don't try and pull it off for the adults...I mean...my baby can handle it no matter what mood I am in..not that she deserves to have to deal with it...but atleast I know I am accepted no matter what with her...and I don't particularly care if some get attitude...thought I try not to give it unneccessarily...however...the little ones...they shouldn't have to put up with it...they are innocent and sweet and precious...just like I once was...or was I ever...I am beginning to doubt I ever was...at least that is what so many can cause me to feel like...with you a few words...everything positive turns to darkness...

I am so tired of being faced with this shit...I feel like I am making big steps forward...moving on with my life...living...really living...even with the chaos that goes on...it is my life and it is a good one now...and then something like this goes on and BAM...girl gets knocked falt on her ass...

I would like to say that I am going to bed...but I know that it isn't going to happen that way...I am going to lay here awake...watch george lopez...toss and turn...look at my kids...hate myself for being the way I am 90% of the time...then try and find something to waste the time until I can make my mind exhausted enough that it shuts down with hardly any time to spare until the day should actually be beginning...

Good Night All...

Sometimes it sucks to be among the living...all the yelling ,screaming, killing, stealing, etc...children neglected and abused...you elderly left to die alone in homes...parents working double shifts, multiple jobs just to provide for their family only to find out the next day that they have no job to support their family on...i'm telling you our world is depressing...really depressing...

i know...if its depressing don't think about it...if i don't think about the problems that everyone else have or the problems that are alive in our world today then that leaves me to think about my problems...and why the hell would i want to do that...that never does anything but get me into trouble or deep into depression...

my marriage is great...my step kids are great...there isn't much i can say in defense of anything else in life though...

yes...i am slightly depressed and in a very  BIG BIG BIIIIG blah moment!!!

on an up note...we got a new puppy today...her name is Ortega...she is adorable...only 1 month old...

Buh Bye

My comfort food is Mashed Potatoes and Hot Chocolate...my comfort activity is curling up under a thick blanket losing myself in a book becoming a new character the author never thought of just so i can stand in the background and experience what the writer is living out through their words...my comfort song is Keeper of the Stars...and my comfort movie is Lilo and Stitch ("Ohana means family and family means noone gets left behind or forgotten")....

Ever just need to be comforted??? Ever feel bad for needing to be comforted...ever want to reach out and just slap someone because they expect you to comfort them but they are too blind to see when you need to be comforted...only wanting to offer comfort when they are not caught up in their own lives to notice you need a friend...or a shoulder to lean on...a gentle hand to touch you and say it's gonna be okay...even if it really isn't going to be...

Am I even making sense...I don't think I make sense half of the time I think any more...if only I could write...I haven't been able to write...really really write what I feel and think inside in such a very long time...I miss it...I miss being able to express myself so freely and easily with the written word...its like my life is so busy now-a-days that the thoughts just fly by...and I need to write about them but when i can finally sit and write I am so dead in my mind that I cannot verbalize it, not even to write...

Okay...I am going before I frustrate myself...Easter is tomorrow and I should try and sleep...doubt it will work...but should try...

Until next time...Remember...it will be okay...even if it isn't okay tomorrow, or next week, or next year...one of these days it will be okay...really!!!

Do you ever want to just escape? Be it by locking yourself in your room, locking yourself in the fantasy world of reading, or locking yourself deep within your mind?

I love my life more now that I ever have...really I do...but there are those moments when something happens that you just can't handle...and it is really nothing big...it is very microscopic as far as the scale of life goes...but it is that feather that breaks the camels back in all honesty...

I am tired of taking, taking, taking, taking, and taking some more and then being expected to take even more when I am at my breaking point. My life is good yes...but it is going no where...any of my life goals that I had hoped to reach...none have been met...I am still happy with my life, don't get me wrong...I love my family, and I love being there and doing for my family...but I would like to be appreciated even when everything doesn't go right...you know, being treated as second rate until someone else FEELS like having a good moment and saying "OH YEAH, I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THANKS FOR MAKING MY LUNCH EVERY MORNING, AND GETTING 3 HRS OF SLEEP EVERY NIGHT JUST SO YOU CAN SEE ME OUT, AND HELPING ME WITH MY HOMEWORK WHEN i NEED IT, AND TAKING CARE OF EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE WHEN I KNOW YOU NEED A BREAK...OH AND THANK YOU FOR NOT LOSING YOUR MIND EVEN THOUGH YOU FEEL AS THOUGH YOU ARE GOING INSANE..."

Sometimes i just feel like curling up inside my mind and locking my eyes shut and never coming out again...

The only thing that stops me from doing that is the fact that even though my life drives me crazy...it is still MY LIFE...it isn't nearly what it use to be, it is better, and it does get better little by little...the reason it gets better little by little is because I have a beautiful partner, and beautiful children who even though they drive me crazy 99 percent of the time...I love them and they love me...and I just have to remember that...and that is why I am not going to lock myself away like I did so many years of my life before I had them to hold...

No...I wont hide away in my mind...I will face each day, and hopefully, one day, there wont be that part of me that wants to say "goodbye world" and hide away...hopefully that part will just learn to speak up and say "give me a break, look at what all I do...and then tell me I'm not allowed to screw up and pass out from shear exhaustion from time to time..."

Maybe...one day, I will learn to stick up for myself to more than just my past...but to my present and future as well...

Until then...I will just remember...remember that I am better off than I once was, and that my life (even though crazy and hectic and sometimes impossible) is still my life, and is 100 times better than it ever has been...and it will keep getting better...

Later Gator

Almost 11:00PM got sick people in the house...I am one of them...though I am to busy running in between everyone else to even care to take care of myself...yes, I know...stupid right, because in the end if I don't take care of myself how can I take care of anyone else...I get it, I know it...HOWEVER...it doesn't change the fact that regardless of if I know that, everyone else still needs to be taken care of, or helped out, or problems fixed...and by the end of the day I am just to tired and worn out...I feel like I am spreed entirely too thin...I am the taffy and I have been stretched so far that you can see through me, any more stretching and I will break...

I have been struggling lately with SI thoughts and urges...it never truly goes away...you can go an hour, a day, a month, or years without hurting yourself...and still the thoughts are there...the urges are there...they never go away...some times they lessen but eventually they come back full force...almost 4 years in Ca. and only one or two major SI incidents...and now everything in me wants to say screw it and just rip away at my skin....instead I will just starve...or puke...at least it doesn't leave visible scars...I've done that so many years off and on that it is easy enough to pass off as stress, or intense pain and so incapable of eating, or just make sure there are times when no one is looking and you can say you ate then...

I am tired...I just want something to go right...anything...

I love my family...love them with all my heart and soul...they are my life...my entire world...but sometimes it feels like the world around me is crumbling and there is nothing I can do...it makes me feel helpless and I hate feeling helpless....

11:00 PM now...fifteen minutes until I have to get my love up for work...I need to go get things together for her...I should be able to go to sleep between 1:30 and 2:00 but I'll be up again by 5:00...and so my days go...little sleep and much stress...

To many days are spent wishing I could disappear but not wanting to be without those three precious angels in my life...so many conflicting feelings, and thoughts...

Again I say...tired, worn out, stretched thin...

~You know who~