at least the fog lifts if it pertains to weather...when it pertains to life I am beginning to think the fog never lifts only gets thicker and easier to get lost in...

I don't sleep very much. I am in bed between 10 and midnight every night (occassionaly, and it is rar, I might get to bed y 9:30) it takes me on average anywhere from 30 minutes tso 1 hour to fall asleep...so as long as I am in bed no later than 11 p.m. then I might get a hour or two of sleep before the alarm goes off at 1 a.m. I get up so I can see my angel out the door. She works the graveyard shift...she sas I don't have to get up with her, and I know I don't. I do t because I love her and I want her to know it. I do it becaue I like making sure her morning gets off okay...so 1:00-3:00 a.m. I am awake...at 3:00 she calls to tell me she has made it to the top of the mountain...again, she doesn't want to do this (she wants me to sleep-but I wont be able to sleep until I know she is safe...that road is too dangerous)...so by 3:10 I am trying to drift back off to slumber land...if the little ones don't wake up in the early morning hours then I can do this and wont get up until 5:30-6:30 dependin on if it is a school day or a weekend...so I don't sleep much...whats sad though, is I get more sleep than my angel does.

Well, this lack of solid sleep stuff is starting to get to me...ok, understatement...it has been getting to me for awhile. I have grown short tempered, easily irritatd, and more moody than a woman who pms' four wees out of the month...I don't like it...I hate it...but it is the truth...

Then on top of that this is the holiday season...thanksgiving, christmas, new years...all back to back...these holiays hold a few good memories that I try to hold on to...but for the most part they hold horrific memories that play out like a big screen movie in my mind...all the horrible things that happened in my childhood and adolesence...it make the holidays hard to get through sometimes...throw in on top of all of that that this is the month of my mom's birthday, the day I told her I was in love with another woman, AND the anniversary of her death in 2006 (on thanksgiving morning).

I have just about all I can handle at one time on my plate...then finances have gone to hell, only they haven't come back...you know the saying "to hell and back again"...well it would be doable if they would just do the "back again" part...but no, they went to hell and stayed...another thing that makes holidays difficult...the kids will have a christmas, that is the important thing...but it makes me so sad that I am struggling on how I will be able to get anything for my angel for christmas (if I am able)...I know she wont care, because she knows better than anyone how tough times are right now...still, it makes me sad that she may not get a gift this year...

My kiddos have had it rough lately...with a jerk draining our bank account and then everyone having emotions fly high because of that...we have had to deal with lawyers and everything else and it has been stressful...then tension in the household just from all the stress going around...no one knows whether to breath or hold thei breath in fear that the world around them might break...so the kids are a little on edge...and I wish we could make it better for them...God knows we are trying...

Oops...must go...I could write forever right now...there is so much in me that needs to come out..and I have had such a hard time writing lately...but it is 10 a.m. and I need to get to the kids...not to mention finish cleaning before company comes in tomorrow...well, this journey called life becknos to me at the moment...so I will write again soon I hope...

Until then...stay warm and I hope you enjoy you holidays...