You remember them right? Those fun little cylinder toys that have all the shapes and colors at the bottom, and if you point it to the sun, and look through it, and twist the bottom then everything changes colors and shapes, and sizes...almost like looking through the world in a million, tiny, different eyes. Most days that’s what it feels like anymore. Had a real good stretch of things there for awhile...it was all real nasty after mamma died, and got a lot worse after all the crap about daddy came about...but then things started settling down and leveling off...but no...it couldn’t last hu...someone had to go and twist the bottom of our world and make everything tumble and fall and change yet again...I use to love playing with Kaleidoscopes...right now if I had one I think I would smash it into a million little pieces and then burn the pieces to ashes and then wash the ashes away with a bucket full of boiling hot water!!! Maybe no one understands what I mean, maybe you do...I don’t know...I just needed to write...things are horribly, terribly, icky right now...in more ways than one...in way more ways than one...

Wish I could just burn the Kaleidoscope that holds my life...that would make things better...I think...

A million tiny different eyes...you have no idea the gravity that statement holds...and the ones who do...have too much going on right now to even bother them with all of this....

I am really tired. I said it last time didn’t I...well...even more so now...it keeps getting worse...that feeling of being tired...I have to get up though...I have to get up and make the lunches, and get the medicines together, and get backpacks secured with all things needed; have to pay bills, clean house, schedule appointments, make meals, oversee homework, play referee in fights (does not just apply to fights for children)...and you know what...none of that sounds to bad does it? My answer is no....it really doesn’t...that is the normal things any parent, wife, sibling, etc. would do for their family...but nobody really knows that all that stuff on the outside is just the surface...that on the inside is this huge tumultuous battle of the wills waging on...nobody knows just how easy it would be to go to sleep and not wake up again....nobody knows...

Wrote a poem once...called noone knows....or something like that...wait, let me see if I can find it real quick...BRB...never mind...wrong thought, wrong poem...it was called "Who Could’ve Known but No-one?"

Never mind on everything...I’ll stick the poem up here and then go away...my little princess is about ready to get out of the shower and I will need to braid her hair...so I need to go...go...go...go...oh where I would really like to go is a that big blank white sheet of paper (you know the ones like they would draw daffy duck or bugs bunny on) and then the artist would take the pencil and erase the drawing because of a mistake...and the cartoon would snatch the pencil and draw themselves back in...I wish I could just take the pencil and finish erasing away...never mind...here is that poem...

Who Could’ve Known

but No-One?

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one saw her plea)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one saw her flee)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one looked to see)

Who could’ve known but no one

(Still, no one wouldn’t let her free)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one wouldn’t let her be)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one wouldn’t let her leave)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For it is no one who saw her tears)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For it is no one who is her fear)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one was there through the years)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one is the only one who hears)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one has watched her grow)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one ever let it show)

Who could’ve known but no one

(It seemed no one wanted to know)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one saw her in her lows)

Who could’ve known but no one

(That she would grow despite it all)

Who could’ve known but no one

(The many times she’d fall)

Who could’ve known but no one

(That she would hide behind a wall)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one is the one who called)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one looked to see the real)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one was out for the kill)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one fought to help her heal)

Who could’ve known but no one

(It’s just no one and the child’s will)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one is always there)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one seems to care)

Who could’ve known but no one

(I wonder if no one plays fair?)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one and me...what a pair)