...(brb gotta rescue a blind pup)...

sorry...I have a 10 year old, blind, and deaf dog...he's a cutie, and I love him...but when I bring him upstairs at night he likes to wander...and he has already let us know (on more than one occassion) he loooooves to go body surfing...DOWN THE STAIRS THAT IS...right now he is bitching at me because I put the puppy barier up...he sleeps in our master bathroom at night...(well he sleeps there when I don't give in and let him sleep in bed with me...hehe, that drives my lovie crazy)...he'll settle down in about half an hour...but until then he's gonna bark and complain at me...

so...the craziness that is my life...yes...back to that...so I am a nut...just so everyone knows...I'm pretty crazy...at least in my opinion...or well...in my heads opinion...and let me tell ya that little voice up there never shuts up...HA...I need a remote control with a mute button...I haven't really worked in almost 2 years...I've been on medical leaves off and on for that long...if it isn't for seizures...it is for emotional or mental break downs...I love working...I want to work...but for some reason I can't seem to hold myself together at work...things happen and that trash thing starts building up and then it wants to errupt while I am at work...and that isn't good...when I work I spend more time hiding in the bathroom stall crying and trying to pull myself together than I do working...not that I am not a good employee...I do my job and I do it well...but I break down to much...I hate it...so my doctor suggested permanent disability...I am not crazy about the idea...do not like it...but for now my love and I have talked and come to an agreement that perhaps it would be best...at least for a time being...how long I do not know...it drives me crazy though...not that it hasn't driven me crazy thus far not working...but whatever...when I would go back to work I might be there 1 month total before breaking down, flipping out, or passing out at work...I had been taken off of company grounds by ambulance once, I had been rushed to the ER by Carolyn once, and I can't tell you how many times I had to call out due to panic attacks or seizures...so tomorrow I go for the psych evaluation with the state psych...I am nervous and scared shitless...Carol was suppose to be able to go with me because it was scheduled for her day off...then today they call me and say OOOOOH, guess what that was a typo in the last two letters we sent you, OOOOOH, and guess what, that was also a mistake the last two times you called to confirm that this was correct and some one said yes...because actually your appointment is tomorrow at 11 a.m. and you cant really reschedule it...I freaked out...lets just say a piece of me inside cracked...I ended up yelling at the guy on the phone calling him a MAJOR FUCKING ASS HOLE...because he wouldn't try and listen to what I was saying...yah, they probably aren't liking me to much right now...I wish this would just all be over...I had planned on talking to my counselor about all of this last time I saw her...but last time I saw her I was in a "numb" state in order to try not to destroy myself (something I tend to be good at)...and wasted an entire session with her by being vague and distant...talking about nothing...I didn't do anything self injurious that day which was what the main goal was...but I also didn't get to talk about anything or work anything out with what I was going to do...

On top of that I had to go to court yesterday...I had a car accident back in September where I was at fault and the people were wanting compensation of course...can't blaim them...so we were in mediation for like 3.5 hours....we settled out of court which was a good thing...but the insurance company only agreed to pay a portion (the larger portion which is good...but still only a portion) so we have to come up with something...then I found out today that my bills are a bit further behind than I thought they were...

There is a great huge list of crap that I could go on and on about...but...my head is starting to hurt...and I've been sick the last 2 days and am not feeling to hot right now...so I will swing back around in a day or so and perhaps try to write something not so insane, depressing, or confusing...in the mean time this is what I've got ROFLOL...sometimes ya gotta laugh ta keep from crying...

mama always said "life's a bitch and then ya die"...well let me tell ya life can definately be a bitch...but atleast I have something to look forward at the end of each day...I have a beautful family I live for, and a special lady I love beyond anything I get to curl up with each night...so even though life can be pretty shitty sometimes, and the trash compacter occassionally breaks and trash explodes everywhere...it can't all be bad when you have a family as great as mine...(when we aren't all at each others throats...lol...but what family isn't...it is one of those "you can't say shit about my family, only I can...and if I catch you saying shit about my family I'll knock the shit out of you"...LOL...that's the way it is for most people I find though...)

Well...must be going now...

Until next time...~LIVE~LAUGH~LOVE~

Mel