Hi there. It has been just a little while since I wrote hu. I know, it's horrible. My journal writing use to mean so much to me. I wish I had more time for it now. I miss it terribly. So many things have changed in the last few years, and I am very much a different person now. Yes, in so many ways I am still so much the same...but in so many other ways I am so far from "the same".

I no longer cowar in the corner for all to walk over as if I were the dirt beneath their feet...I only curl up in the corner and hide when it comes to certain people, and certain situations...so yes I am still a work in progress in that department. I can also actually get angry now without having to take it out on myself (at least not all the time anyway...again a work in progress)...but I have a really hard time balancing that anger. A lot more has changed to but I don't have a lot of time right now. It is after midnight and I have to get up at 5:00 to get the day started. A full time family can be very tiring...but they are worth it in all the right ways. I love my family. My Angel is absolutly that...an angel...Carol is so precious to me...my little ones are perfect in every way just as they are...I love them so.

A good thing that came with the end of the year 2008...a few months prior I started to try and rekindle a relationship with my grandmother...my mom's mom...I had not spoken to her since right before my mother passed away in 2006...almost a full two years...things seem to be going really well right now...there is even a chance she and my little sister may come to Cali to visit for a week or two this summer. I hope so...it would be heavenly to see them and know they are truly still there...I still don't talk to many from Texas...but my sister, my meemaw, my cousins candy and kendra...they are the exceptions...the big one though is my father...Yes...after he refused to let me attend my mother's funeral I refused to have anything to do with him...one month shy of 2 years and I had to speak to him...I didn't want to at first (though I think a part of me did...he is my father you know...perhaps i did miss him??) but then...I don't know...there were circumstances where either I asked for help from him or my angel would have to go to someone for help whom she truly did not want to...and I did not feel safe letting her do so either...atleast with my father I know I am in no real "physical" harm...not now...with him it is very strained right now...and because it was not under the circumstances that I had wanted to make it when I did finally talk to him...then of course the outcome was very different than I had visualized...it happened none the less though...and perhaps for a good reason...i do not know...I still believe God works in mysterious ways...yes, I still love God...I still prayer...I still turn to him...I still get mad at him sometimes though...but he said he was a big God...I hope that he truly is big enough to handle me being mad...and I hope truly that he will be there with me to the end and help me through that anger also...

I don't know...like I said...so much has happened...I am such a different person, and yet at the same time still me...but then again who is me? I am still just scratching ther surface of who that person...who "me"...really is...it is all so strange at times...

Well my friends...that is all for now...I wish I had more time...but I have my two little ones sleeping the room with me and my love...and unfortunatly typing is not the most quiet task in the world...I don't want to stir them to wake this early in the wee morning hours.

Until next time...

~Mel~

Funny, my mom called her grandmother "Meemaw" too. =D Somehow, that changed to "Meme" with my grandmother - I think my brother had problems with pronunciation, so "Meme" was what stuck.

Dealing with family problems is never an easy thing, especially since I find there is usually a lot of guilt involved. I hope you're able to get everything worked out. Just remember to take care of yourself. Growing is a process, and sometimes it feels like you're moving backward more often than forward. I look forward to reading more of your entries. Take care.