I don't know what to say...where to start...I miss writing...I use to be able to say so much through my journal writing...It use to help so much in getting things out and not letting them fester up inside and turn my stomach...but over the last couple years...I just haven't been able to write like I use to...I wish I could....

So I have been seeing this counselor for over 1 year now...she is a really nice lady...I've started to trust her little by little...still not all the way there, but last time I trusted so quickly I got burned...I'm trying to avoid that this time...Anyway...she is really nice...very good at her job...and really very understanding...not to mention I have one hell of an "interesting"...."different"..."unusual"...life, lifestyle, and family...and she hasn't said anything derogatory about it yet...so she gets major brownie points for that...anyway...I find out like last week that my insurance company won't cover any more sessions with her at this time...so I've been flipping out a little bit on that (okay a lot on that) because I don't just walk in and share my deep secrets with just any old joe off the street and then not care if they walk away knowing things about me and me not being able to at the very least monitor from a distance and get to know what kind of person it is...sometimes relationships with counselors can be so difficult/confusing...but...as I was saying...I've been flipping a lid...so part of me says "fine" you can't see her oh well all good people in your life end up disappearing, running away, or being ripped from your life in some way or another...maybe you'll learn your lesson this time...then another part of me is going.."but I like her, she's nice and she listens without judging"...then there is the part that just wants to cry because everything good really has always disappeared regardless of the reason and abandonment feelings kick in...so just a tad bit on the "tense" "anxious" side right now with that...trying to brow beat my insurance company into fixing things...

Carol had surgery...she went through the surgery fine...but then we had a bridal shower for lynn on saturday...and instead of resting and letting me take care of everything...she was side by side with me pushing herself way to hard and being stubborn by not listening to a single word I said when telling her to take a break, rest, relax...she wound up hurting herself and it is probably going to take her a little bit longer to feel up to her norm...but she is taking it a little easier now...for that I am greatful...

Lynn and Jim are getting married on August 22...just 18 days away...everyone is excited for them...

Rera and Josh are just Rera and Josh...they are doing good...Aurora is starting to get nervous about school though...I really wish someone could figure something out as to what is scaring this little girl...it really unnerves me because I hate when my mind wanders about things that children go through that scare them that they shouldn't go through...but she swares up and down that nothing bad has happened...she just gets nervous...I guess it could just be an anxiety disorder...but I just worry about her so...she is only 7 ...this started when she was 6...children shouldn't be burdened with things like this...Mr. Joshua is going into the 4th grade and excited...he is doing really well since we put him back in his old school where he is on familiar grounds with people...

Mark, well he is mark...our relationship is rather confusing...I love him to pieces some times...and other times I just want to rip his head off and shove it down his neck...I have days where I can't handle even hearing a males voices without cringing, freaking out, wanting to scream, or cry, or hide...it makes it hard on him...but he tries really hard to be understanding and compassionate...I don't tell him enough how thankful I am for him and what a good guy he is...it is just some of the expectations that others seem to have of the relationship I should have with him...it all makes me nervous and edgy...that's all I care to say on that subject for now...perhaps I'll say more latter...

James is back from the reserves BUT...he is supposedly being deployed to Kuwait in October...one can only hope...this is the guy who rooms in our house...who has been caught staring at both me and carol when we weren't exactly presentable...nor aware of his presence at first...and overall he just gives me the hebejebies...I don't like him...he tries to help out the family and everything...but he is just one of those people I feel I should keep distance from...we never leave the children alone with him...we don't like leaving one and other alone with him...that sort of thing...then other times I feel sorry for him because he is a bit slow in getting things...and then other times I think he just plays stupid because it gets people to feel sorry for him...I don't know...I do know he has stuck his foot in house mouth one to many times where my family is concerned and nearly had himself kicked out...as it is everything he owns that isn't used regularly sits in storage so if need be he can be moved quickly...I just wish he didn't give me the creeps at times...I don't like disliking people...

School will be starting in 1 month...I have a full time schedule...I don't go back to work till November, December, or possibly January...I don't know yet...hopefully I'll still have a job...however I would much rather (if I could steal time away) take time to just look for a different profession right now to participate in while going to school...only down fall is anywhere I look doesn't come close to having the benefits that my current job has...great medical, dental insurance, 401 K where they match what you put into it, stock that actually pays off to have and makes a profit...just...it's a good job...i like the job...there are just a few people that make it unbearable...

shit...it is 10 p.m. kids are finally asleep...I need to go finish watering the plants in the living room...the 900 zillion that my dear sweet love has brought home to us...lol...she loves her plants...and I like to see her happy...so...a watering I go...hope you are all doing well out there in braveland...

Stay safe, stay sweet, and remember someone cares for you!

Mel