Sometimes I wish I could detach my head and send it in to something like the geeksquad for computers. Just send it in, sign your slip, and then have it returned to you in 5 to 7 business days in fine working order...I am off all of my meds...money is too tight, and I don't have insurance right now and what my doctors have prescribed (without insurance) will cost close to if not over 2,000 a month...I can't afford that...that is more than my rent...and I live in a fairly nice house...

I am so tired. I feel like I get nothing accomplished in a day yet get more and more tired, more and more exhausted...and not always in the physical...sometimes I may be physically awake but just mentally incapable of rational, comprehensible thought...so much goes on in a day...so many troubles...so many trials right now...I look back and I know I have been through really hard times in the past...I look back and know that those in my family have been through very rough patches in life...and I think, this should be nothing...we should be able to take this all as a grain of sand...but in the here and now...it just doesn't seem to work that way...

It is 11:15 at night...my alarm goes off at 2:00 a.m. I just washed up the dishes, and I need to put a little bit of this laundry away (really need to put all of it away)...*sigh*...I want to disappear again...I was starting to look up and do good for a little bit...not long, but it was a start and better than nothing...and then it was like the world came crashing down again...saying, "yeah right bitch, don't even get your hopes up..."

On a good note before I sign off tonight...My grandmother is still coming in June to visit major happy about that...but now my sister is getting to come too...I can't believe it but I actually miss (really really miss) my little sister...and of course I miss my meemaw...she is so precious...I love her tons and miss her more...

Anyway...

Until next time...stay safe, stay sweet...

You remember them right? Those fun little cylinder toys that have all the shapes and colors at the bottom, and if you point it to the sun, and look through it, and twist the bottom then everything changes colors and shapes, and sizes...almost like looking through the world in a million, tiny, different eyes. Most days that’s what it feels like anymore. Had a real good stretch of things there for awhile...it was all real nasty after mamma died, and got a lot worse after all the crap about daddy came about...but then things started settling down and leveling off...but no...it couldn’t last hu...someone had to go and twist the bottom of our world and make everything tumble and fall and change yet again...I use to love playing with Kaleidoscopes...right now if I had one I think I would smash it into a million little pieces and then burn the pieces to ashes and then wash the ashes away with a bucket full of boiling hot water!!! Maybe no one understands what I mean, maybe you do...I don’t know...I just needed to write...things are horribly, terribly, icky right now...in more ways than one...in way more ways than one...

Wish I could just burn the Kaleidoscope that holds my life...that would make things better...I think...

A million tiny different eyes...you have no idea the gravity that statement holds...and the ones who do...have too much going on right now to even bother them with all of this....

I am really tired. I said it last time didn’t I...well...even more so now...it keeps getting worse...that feeling of being tired...I have to get up though...I have to get up and make the lunches, and get the medicines together, and get backpacks secured with all things needed; have to pay bills, clean house, schedule appointments, make meals, oversee homework, play referee in fights (does not just apply to fights for children)...and you know what...none of that sounds to bad does it? My answer is no....it really doesn’t...that is the normal things any parent, wife, sibling, etc. would do for their family...but nobody really knows that all that stuff on the outside is just the surface...that on the inside is this huge tumultuous battle of the wills waging on...nobody knows just how easy it would be to go to sleep and not wake up again....nobody knows...

Wrote a poem once...called noone knows....or something like that...wait, let me see if I can find it real quick...BRB...never mind...wrong thought, wrong poem...it was called "Who Could’ve Known but No-one?"

Never mind on everything...I’ll stick the poem up here and then go away...my little princess is about ready to get out of the shower and I will need to braid her hair...so I need to go...go...go...go...oh where I would really like to go is a that big blank white sheet of paper (you know the ones like they would draw daffy duck or bugs bunny on) and then the artist would take the pencil and erase the drawing because of a mistake...and the cartoon would snatch the pencil and draw themselves back in...I wish I could just take the pencil and finish erasing away...never mind...here is that poem...

Who Could’ve Known

but No-One?

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one saw her plea)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one saw her flee)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one looked to see)

Who could’ve known but no one

(Still, no one wouldn’t let her free)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one wouldn’t let her be)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one wouldn’t let her leave)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For it is no one who saw her tears)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For it is no one who is her fear)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one was there through the years)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one is the only one who hears)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one has watched her grow)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one ever let it show)

Who could’ve known but no one

(It seemed no one wanted to know)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one saw her in her lows)

Who could’ve known but no one

(That she would grow despite it all)

Who could’ve known but no one

(The many times she’d fall)

Who could’ve known but no one

(That she would hide behind a wall)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one is the one who called)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one looked to see the real)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one was out for the kill)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one fought to help her heal)

Who could’ve known but no one

(It’s just no one and the child’s will)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one is always there)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one seems to care)

Who could’ve known but no one

(I wonder if no one plays fair?)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one and me...what a pair)

I am feeling claustrophobic in my own body. Ever felt like that before? It is not pleasant. It makes you feel like you are not human…

I don’t know what to do any more…I’ve said that before…and I will say it again undoubtedly…but the fact remains…I don’t know what to do any more…I keep doing something…but it must be the wrong thing…I change what I do (sometimes…let’s not fool ourselves, I am not that compliant…I don’t always change…but I do try)…but it must never be the right way…because it doesn’t really get better.

My head hurts so much. I have so many headaches right now and I know it isn’t anything major like a brain tumor or anything…it is just all the static in my mind…it is so loud…I have so many “thoughts” you might say just screaming and yelling and crying and fussing and……

I screwed up last week…I took way to much of some medicine that I should not have taken more than 1 or 2 of…I know…stupid…don’t remind me…I could kick myself…I haven’t done shit like this in awhile…but so much is happening…

I know…could I be any more vague…I don’t even feel safe writing in my own journal…this was my safe haven for a while…I use to write here 4 and 5 times a day…shoot I use to write 4 and 5 times in 2 hours here…and about all kinds of crap…and now I am forever afraid that someone is going to stumble across it and “discover” what is really going on inside of me…I hate being me sometimes…but then I think, would it really be any better being someone else…I don’t think there is a person in the world who isn’t screwed up in some way or another…I know my problems and issues aren’t the worst of them…but they are friggen horrible and awful to me…

I HATE…i hate…something…I don’t know what…that’s just one of the many feelings I have roaming around inside right now…

I want so much to just pour my soul out with my writing…and I can’t…I use to be able to…good lord I have journal entries in my paper and hard back journals where I would write 20, 30, 40 pages front and back just one entry…It use to be the best release I could find…the older I get…the more life happens…the more that release just fades away…I miss it…I miss it a lot…but no matter what I do to try and write…it just doesn’t come back…not like it was…

I am tired…I tried…I tried to write to release the tension and confusion and frustration inside…but it was just a flop tonight…sorry…maybe I’ll try again later on…

Mmm…Bye

...(brb gotta rescue a blind pup)...

sorry...I have a 10 year old, blind, and deaf dog...he's a cutie, and I love him...but when I bring him upstairs at night he likes to wander...and he has already let us know (on more than one occassion) he loooooves to go body surfing...DOWN THE STAIRS THAT IS...right now he is bitching at me because I put the puppy barier up...he sleeps in our master bathroom at night...(well he sleeps there when I don't give in and let him sleep in bed with me...hehe, that drives my lovie crazy)...he'll settle down in about half an hour...but until then he's gonna bark and complain at me...

so...the craziness that is my life...yes...back to that...so I am a nut...just so everyone knows...I'm pretty crazy...at least in my opinion...or well...in my heads opinion...and let me tell ya that little voice up there never shuts up...HA...I need a remote control with a mute button...I haven't really worked in almost 2 years...I've been on medical leaves off and on for that long...if it isn't for seizures...it is for emotional or mental break downs...I love working...I want to work...but for some reason I can't seem to hold myself together at work...things happen and that trash thing starts building up and then it wants to errupt while I am at work...and that isn't good...when I work I spend more time hiding in the bathroom stall crying and trying to pull myself together than I do working...not that I am not a good employee...I do my job and I do it well...but I break down to much...I hate it...so my doctor suggested permanent disability...I am not crazy about the idea...do not like it...but for now my love and I have talked and come to an agreement that perhaps it would be best...at least for a time being...how long I do not know...it drives me crazy though...not that it hasn't driven me crazy thus far not working...but whatever...when I would go back to work I might be there 1 month total before breaking down, flipping out, or passing out at work...I had been taken off of company grounds by ambulance once, I had been rushed to the ER by Carolyn once, and I can't tell you how many times I had to call out due to panic attacks or seizures...so tomorrow I go for the psych evaluation with the state psych...I am nervous and scared shitless...Carol was suppose to be able to go with me because it was scheduled for her day off...then today they call me and say OOOOOH, guess what that was a typo in the last two letters we sent you, OOOOOH, and guess what, that was also a mistake the last two times you called to confirm that this was correct and some one said yes...because actually your appointment is tomorrow at 11 a.m. and you cant really reschedule it...I freaked out...lets just say a piece of me inside cracked...I ended up yelling at the guy on the phone calling him a MAJOR FUCKING ASS HOLE...because he wouldn't try and listen to what I was saying...yah, they probably aren't liking me to much right now...I wish this would just all be over...I had planned on talking to my counselor about all of this last time I saw her...but last time I saw her I was in a "numb" state in order to try not to destroy myself (something I tend to be good at)...and wasted an entire session with her by being vague and distant...talking about nothing...I didn't do anything self injurious that day which was what the main goal was...but I also didn't get to talk about anything or work anything out with what I was going to do...

On top of that I had to go to court yesterday...I had a car accident back in September where I was at fault and the people were wanting compensation of course...can't blaim them...so we were in mediation for like 3.5 hours....we settled out of court which was a good thing...but the insurance company only agreed to pay a portion (the larger portion which is good...but still only a portion) so we have to come up with something...then I found out today that my bills are a bit further behind than I thought they were...

There is a great huge list of crap that I could go on and on about...but...my head is starting to hurt...and I've been sick the last 2 days and am not feeling to hot right now...so I will swing back around in a day or so and perhaps try to write something not so insane, depressing, or confusing...in the mean time this is what I've got ROFLOL...sometimes ya gotta laugh ta keep from crying...

mama always said "life's a bitch and then ya die"...well let me tell ya life can definately be a bitch...but atleast I have something to look forward at the end of each day...I have a beautful family I live for, and a special lady I love beyond anything I get to curl up with each night...so even though life can be pretty shitty sometimes, and the trash compacter occassionally breaks and trash explodes everywhere...it can't all be bad when you have a family as great as mine...(when we aren't all at each others throats...lol...but what family isn't...it is one of those "you can't say shit about my family, only I can...and if I catch you saying shit about my family I'll knock the shit out of you"...LOL...that's the way it is for most people I find though...)

Well...must be going now...

Until next time...~LIVE~LAUGH~LOVE~

Mel